Heolfor Manor / Come in out of the Pain ((open)) / Dana 13 years ago

Come in out of the Pain ((open))

She'd cried herself to sleep that morning, and had awoken with no signs of such bitter weeping aside from the sticky trails on her cheeks and slightly stained pillow cases. Annoyed with herself, Dana had stripped the bed linens, and replaced them with fresh. It was a childish thing to cry ones self to sleep, but she seemed the better for it that afternoon and was perhaps glad of the opportunity and peace that came of it.

She showered, and spent the rest of the day light hours vacillating between playing an instrument and writing in her journal. She wanted very much to seek out Amir, but she did not know where he would be, and calling his phone seemed out of place. By the time twilight fell, she'd written sixteen pages and had still not poured out all that was waring in her now more peaceful mind. However she tired of the indoors and so betook herself, her guitar and her writing materials to the small garden close to the manor that was dotted with comfortable seating areas of large cushioned wicker furniture.


It was here that she sat, guitar leaned against the low wall at her back, feet drawn up against her bottom, book placed on her knees, ink well and jade sand shaker on the low table beside the wide chair she curled in. All that could be heard were the gentle night sounds of the garden, and the scritching of her pen followed by the tapping of ink. Every so often the scritching would stop, a soft shaking heard, followed by her breath across the page.

The sand she used gave the purplish ink a subtle sparkle, and though the words were wrenching and difficult, the look of it pleased her. Here she did not mind the imperfections that came with real pen dipped in ink. It was an old thing and she liked old things. It was sad how things such as inkwell and pen had gone by the wayside for ballpoints with the ink attached. This small comfort helped make the horror of the words on the page a little lessened for her.

With a small sigh, Dana regained her pen, dipped it in the ink, tapped it twice and began to recount the night that had nearly taken Amir from her, and she had learned about the monsters that had four legs as well as sharp teeth.

Dana 13 years ago
Seven pages and countless tears later and Dana had poured it all out into the book. As the ink dried on the final page, she dried her tears and began to put her things back into their little satchel, that she'd tucked beside her. She put the book into the satchel and sighed softly, looking out over the garden.

To her absolute delight, there floating between the trees, was a cloud of luciérnaga. She'd not seen the little glowing beetles since leaving Spain. They simply didn't exist in Ireland. They had been a small special joy for her when banished from the sitting room while Lady Erin and Sebastian had their talks. She'd gone out one night and had found the little floating lights.

She'd watched them until they floated away, and looked for them every night afterward. Sebastian had told her they were called luciérnaga, which meant firefly.

Picking up her guitar, and slinging the satchel over her shoulder, she moved closer to the little cloud. She'd learned in Spain, that they didn't fly away when you got close or even if you walked into the middle of their cloud. She found a rock to sit on and pulled her guitar around to rest on her lap.

She began to finger pick through the intro chords to the newest song she'd learned. The human that had been her driver, had helped her pick out and program her pocket phone. She'd really just wanted one that made phone calls, but the salesman informed her there just wasn't such a thing anymore, so she'd ended up with a smart phone. The servant showed her how to work the thing, and he'd put an app. on it that let her listen to random music from any genre she chose. Then, if she wanted, she could tag the song and it would download into her itunes when she opened that up.

It was a neat bit of technology, and she enjoyed the perks of it. She'd heard this particular song, liked it, tagged it, and then searched the internet for a chord sheet. It was a sweet song, and Dana had found she was particularly fond of American love songs.

And after all that she'd been through the last week, and the feelings she has, and the choices she'd made while putting it all down in that book, it seemed apropos. She started to sing, and though she sounded nothing like Stevie Nicks, she didn't ruin the song.

Is love so fragile... And the heart so hollow
Shatter with words... impossible to follow
You're saying I'm fragile... I try not to be
I search only... for something I can't see
I have my own life...and I'm stronger than you know
But I carry this feeling, when you walked into my house,
You won't be walkin' out the door.
Still I carry this feeling, when you walked into my house,
You won't be walkin' out the door.

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains... stay with me say
I need you to love me, I need you today
Give to me your leather, take from me... my lace.


She paused a moment, the next first was for a male vocal, and while she didn't mind singing it, she'd rather not, so she picked through a chord set first giving her time to decide. One thought that was prevalent in her mind, was that she desperately wanted to see Amir. That scared her and she remained the coward, moving from the D over A into the G, instead of pulling out her phone and calling or even texting him.

It was not right to want him in such a way, he had duties to fulfill and a clan to protect, she would not bother him this night and perhaps not the next. She would show herself that she was capable of want and need and of resisting such things as well. If he came to her, then that was wonderful, but she would not seek him out, not yet.


Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel had sent Ambrose ahead of her to the Manor, promising to catch up wit him soon. She had wanted a little more time to ride, since she had more then one mount to attend to and Vivace required some attention. So she'd ridden a little longer and then detoured through the gardens. It was a nice night and she planned to continue to enjoy it with Amber after getting back to his suite, showering, and changing.

She'd been riding, as was her norm, in a voluptuous skirt of indigo velvet. Currently, it was covered with short dark horsehair but that was partly why she'd chosen the color. Her leather boots tapped softly on the flagstone walkways that led back to the manor and she carried a good deal of her skirt over her left arm, careful to let enough hang down to modestly cover her ankles.

The guitar music wafting through the night made her stop and listen. She recognized Dana's voice and wondered if the melancholy lyrics were a reflection of her state of mind, or if the song was simply stuck in her head. Seeking the source of the music she soon found the other vampire, playing softly and staring off into what appeared to be nothing until Ysabel caught a glimpse of a firefly sparkle.

"Very nice," she said, softly clapping her gloved hands together as Dana stopped singing and progressed through some chords.
Dana 13 years ago
Dana's fingers stilled on the strings and a smile curls her lips. Turning her head, she offers that smile to Ysabel as she stands, slinging the guitar around to her back. She gave the woman a respectful curtsy.

"Thank you."

She took a moment to look the woman over, she'd been riding again, and that once more reminded Dana she wanted to get out to the stables. "Good evening, Ysabel. How are you this fine night?"

She was oddly quite happy to have been interrupted. It kept her from deciding whether or not to sing the male vocal, and from continuing to be so lost in her own mind.
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel returned Dana's curtsey with a perfectly proper one of her own, just the right depth to convey respect for one's peer. She knew Dana was her elder, but not by too terribly much as vampires went, and they seemed to enjoy a similar status within their families and Clan.

"I'm well," she responded amiably. "Enjoying the night." She gestured to her slightly dirtied clothing. "It was too nice not to get in some riding."

She imagined Dana must have felt the same, or she wouldn't have been outside in the gardens. Nonetheless it was polite and customary to return the inquiry, which she did. "What of yourself? Are you well? Is Nachton treating you kindly?"
Dana 13 years ago
Dana debated quickly better banal courtesy and truth. She settled on something somewhere in the middle. "I am as well as I can be."

A small chuckle preceeded her next words. "But Nachton has had a few rather unpleasant surprises for me recently."

She gestured back toward the comfortable seating area. "Would you care to sit while we talk?" Dana was perfectly happy to stand, but she wasn't about to let that prevent her from offering what was proper.
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel furrowed her brow at Dana. Clearly the other vampire wanted to talk; if you didn't want to unburden yourself to someone you generally restricted your comments to neutral topics like weather. So with that understanding, she composed herself appropriately and nodded at Dana.

"I'm sorry to hear that; yes, by all means." She headed toward the wicker chairs, just one set in a large garden that boasted a variety of different styles and eras.

Seating herself and letting her voluminous skirts fall to the ground with unconscious grace, Ysabel turned her full attention to he Clan-sister.

"What could possibly be troubling you here? You seem to be doing so well."
Dana 13 years ago
Dana's dress, a light yellow sundress, wasn't nearly as elegant as Ysabel's, but she sat as though it were, crossing her legs appropriately. She wished she could offer tea or something, but that wasn't going to happen, and so she didn't bother.

"I was doing swimmingly, until the full moon. You know I think it is true what they say, that the full moon brings out the worst in people."

She bit her lip, not sure how much she was allowed to tell another clan member. Still, she could really use a friend, someone not so closely tied to her drama to talk it out with.






((I love how they are oh so proper around each other.))
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel raised her eyebrows, arching them like golden wings over her blue-grey eyes. "I don't think I've ever heard that expression," she said with mild curiosity and regret at her lack of understanding. "It must not be very common in England."

She didn't know what else to say; clearly, Dana was trying to express some of her worries but Ysabel wasn't certain what she was getting at. Not regarding the full moon anyway. Dana was surely talking about someone specific. Or someones.

"Who has upset you? Not someone here at Heolfor, certainly?" It was a little less subtle than Ysabel would have preferred, but she felt maybe it would be best to cut to the chase. That, and perhaps Ambrose was rubbing off on her a little bit. It was bound to happen; they had been together for several years now.

((ooc: It's Ysabel. Did you expect less? ))
Dana 13 years ago
Dana sighed and let her arms flop onto the rests on the chair, her back to actually touch the back of the chair. She'd talk over the part that she just didn't understand with Ysabel. She'd leave the wolf stuff alone, it was easier to figure out, sadly.

"I met one of Amir's children, a perfectly well mannered woman, but I fear my reaction to her was something less than desirable."

Sitting back up, regaining her composure. "Something about her sparked this bitter violent jealousy to spring up in my chest, and I'm afraid I've not been very kind to her. Though really it was not her doing, only mine. I've never felt anything like it. I'm learning how to ignore it, but Ysabel, have you ever felt anything like that?"
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel tapped her bottom lip gently with a well-manicured fingernail. "What is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Rashid, if you don't mind my asking"

Even in Dana's company she couldn't drop the respectful formality she always adopted with Anantya's Elders and, the one that translated itself onto their older, wiser Clanmates such as Amir. And, she supposed, to know how to respond to jealousy the relationship between the two would need to be understood. From their previous meetings Ysabel knew there was something going on with Amir and Dana, but the exact depth of it wasn't something she'd ever speculated upon. Friends? Lovers? That could account for some emotion.

"And I imagine that would have been Mara," Ysabel said with a smile. Mara was the only person, aside from Dana, she could ever recall Amir being affectionate with. She was very shy and withdrawn, usually. Ysabel didn't know her very well at all but she had always seemed nice enough.

Well... considering that she didn't feel she knew Amir or Mara enough to offer much advice, Ysabel fell back onto what she did have - eleven husbands and a vampiric boyfriend. Jealousy hadn't entered in much with her husbands. After all, she had been using them and, in some cases, they were using her.

There was the interesting case of Edward, though. That had been, perhaps, the unhappiest of her marriages.

"I've felt it before," she said slowly, "but I'm not sure the case would have been the same."

Ysabel wasn't, by nature, a very jealous person. She'd certainly been in enough situations to have a good idea by now if she were.
Dana 13 years ago
Dana shook her head slightly. "No I don't mind your asking. Amir and I are...lovers and friends, though I think for both of us, though I'll not admit it to him nor he to me, it is deeper than that."

She chuckled softly, the depth of her feelings for him, were not completely clear to her yet, and lest she set herself up for bigger heartache, she would not explore them.

A small nod was her agreement with Ysabel's assessment of who had caused such turmoil with in her. Though it really, and Dana could admit this, was not Mara's fault.

"I have never had occasion to feel such a thing. Perhaps that is saying something for my sheltered life, or against it, but I am not sorry this horrid, unbecoming emotion was not mine to claim before."
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel nodded as Dana spoke. She had assumed the two vampires were at least lovers from the few interactions she'd seen, and Dana's confirmation of the fact didn't surprise her. She'd never known Amir to have a lover but then, she did not know him on a casual basis at all.

Dana's words made her smile softly. Well, she knew that feeling at least - Ambrose had never uttered those "three little words" to her, nor she to him, but in her opinion the love between them was clear as glass without the need for them. For Ambrose's part, Ysabel knew the idea of saying them frightened him somewhat. For hers, she wasn't going to make him uncomfortable by saying something that would prompt him to have to say it return.

Dana's reluctance to feel such jealously puzzled her. "Why should you not want to feel it?" And how could she have gone through life that way?

"Without the bad feelings how can we appreciate the good ones?"

Ysabel smiled reassuringly at Dana. She was confused by why her Clanmate was so upset at these feelings but she wanted to help. She tried to think about how she had handled her own emotions.

"My experiences with jealousy were different," she said. "My husband was intentionally trying to hurt me. Do you think that's the case with Amir? Have you fought with him?"

It was almost uncomfortable to be talking about someone she respected this way; Ysabel had never considered Amir as someone's romantic counterpart. To her, he had always been distant, respectful, aloof, and very formal.
Dana 13 years ago
She gave Ysabel widened eyes. How could she wish to? "It's so...messy. I like to maintain control of my emotions, and I have no such control over this nasty little beast that has taken up residence in my chest."

She blew a breath through her lips, and slumped back again. "I am finding I have had very little control over my emotions since coming to Nachton. It has made me feel very...human."

Her nose wrinkled and she shook her head again. "We have argued as a result of this. No, not really argued, more like sternly discussed. I'm afraid this is all my doing."

She laughed softly, no their only real argument had had nothing to do with how she felt about Mara.
Ysabel 13 years ago
sabel watched Dana as she spoke, trying to gauge the level of upset in her Clan-sister. Her face was very expressive and Ysabel saw in it varying levels of frustration.

She chuckled softly at Dana's amendment. She had never witnessed Amir arguing with anyone. In her experience when he wanted your opinion he told you what it was. She could well picture him having a stern discussion.

Fearing that Dana would take her laughter the wrong way she waved a hand at her friend. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's just, I know Amir from some years back and I can see him sternly discussing before I can see him arguing. In my experience, though, no argument is ever the fault of one person entirely."

Now, she didn't know the nature of the argument... discussion. It just seemed to her that arguments went two ways. For there to be an argument at all, there must be two sides.

"As for your emotions, well," Ysabel said with an apologetic little shrug, "we are human." She shook her head. "Maybe a different kind of human, yes, but we were all humans at one point. Why would becoming a vampire alter the range of emotions you should expect to feel? What's important is what you do with your emotions, how you react."
Dana 13 years ago
She chuckled as well. Amir could argue, and did, but not about this. Mostly he taught and she listened and questioned, but it had felt a little like arguing. "Oh, no he fully participated. I meant that the start of it was my fault."

Dana looked at Ysabel for a moment. Did she mean that? She'd do best not to say such a thing in Amir's hearing, lest she find herself on the receiving end of a stern discussion.

"Oh Ysabel, I haven't been human for so long that I often forget how. I have spent years, centuries being in sumpreme control of my emotions. Oh, occaisionally I forget myself and let them take me over with...disastrous results." A small chuckle escaped her. "Just ask Rupert."

Another small sigh "I just have never felt anything so disturbingly violent. I even had a small fantasy that involved her death at my hands. I don't approve of such things. Assassination is one thing, that's business, but this...is...is" She waved her hand in the air, searching for a word. "wrong."
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel favored Dana with a soothing look, keeping her face calm and serene. Inside she thought it perhaps a tiny bit arrogant to be in such "supreme control." Ysabel had worked for centuries to master the courtly art of putting on a pleasant, neutral face no matter what was happening around you, but she didn't claim to maintain complete control of her emotions. She could feel anger, pain, betrayal, love, and happiness the same as anyone else and Dana could, too. To pretend not to feel such things was simple denial.

It did shock her, though, to hear Dana speak of a violent daydream. It was alarming to know Dana was even capable of such things.

"Why should you feel so jealous?" she finally asked. Maybe if they got to the bottom of it that way it would help Dana better analyze her feelings. "Has Mr. Rashid given you any cause to doubt his feelings for you?"

It was difficult for her to refer to him by his given name even in Dana's company, so she continued to be respectful. "I have never seen him be, ah, amorous with Mara."

Of course she hadn't seen them together a lot either.
Dana 13 years ago
Dana wrinkled her nose. This was the question she'd been dreading when they'd begun this conversation. "I shouldn't, and therein lies the trouble."

She dropped her head back and looked up into the starry sky. "I have never doubted Amir's affections, and neither of them have done anything that any other vampire and his child would not do. In fact I could say Lady Erin and I were more openly affectionate that Amir and Mara."

She distastefully, in her mind, sighed again. "There isn't any reason for it, Ysabel, and it is so violent for something groundless."
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel lifted her shoulders helplessly at Dana. "Well, it seems you're at a fork in the road," she said gently. "Do you act upon your emotions, or do you do what you seem to want to and control them?"

She shook her head at Dana. "You can't take back the fact that you felt this violent jealousy," she pointed out. "You will still have felt it, and you must still deal with it. So it seems that you have a moral dilemma to work out. Follow your heart and cause someone harm, or follow your head and master this jealousy of yours."

She gave a small sigh, not really sure she was giving Dana any of the answers she seemed to want. "As far as why you felt it at all, well, that requires some further analysis perhaps."
Dana 13 years ago
Dana lifted her head and gave Ysabel a slightly watery smile. "I fully intend to master it and keep it under control. It will be a difficult task, of that I have no doubt, but it must be done."

A small shrug lifted her shoulders. "But the why is what I'd really like to discover. It plagues me a bit, but then I have a feeling I'll be discovering a lot of new things I don't understand or like very much."
Ysabel 13 years ago
Ysabel considered Dana's words for a few moments, and just nodded in acknowledgment. She wasn't a psychologist. She didn't know how to analyze peoples' deeper feelings. But she was fairly observant and she could have insights on occasion, so she shared one of those with Dana.

"In my experience, people who are jealous feel that way because they think they are inferior in some way, or they feel insecure." She raised a delicate brow at Dana. "Do you feel insecure with Mr. Rashid? Or do you think, somehow, that Mara is better than you in some way?"

Ysabel didn't know how else to describe the sensation of jealously, but she didn't think that it could happen just all by itself. Another thought occurred to her.

"Perhaps it is a facet of some kind of possessiveness? That you resent any time spent with Mara instead of you? But again, wouldn't that demonstrate some sort of insecurity?"

Ysabel shook her head. "I don't know why we feel what we feel. But if you want to learn, there is always the chance that you'll learn things you like as well as things you aren't so fond of."

She had no idea Dana could be so horribly naive. Perhaps that was why she'd come to Nachton in the first place. She had never met anyone who was surprised at his or her ability to feel a wide range of emotion, nor anyone who was so upset at having felt it.