Alfarinn watched Thaddeus through his entire backwards progress towards the bed. His eyes never leaving those grey ones locked on his own. He'd rushed many things in his time but this wasn't going to be one of them.
The hand in his hair and Thaddeus's lips pressing against his were making it difficult for him to keep that resolution. He was trying very hard not to pull the blonde to him and hold him tightly as he showed him just how much these things effected him. But though he wanted Thaddeus so bad that it was almost a physical pain, he wanted the relationship more. Alfarinn wasn't about to give that up simply to satisfy a shallow urge.
He'd let Thaddeus lead and he'd patiently follow at whatever pace the Anantya wished to set for them.
"If you're ready." His senses might tell him the answer to that question but he felt it needed to be asked.
Late night chat
Thaddeus pushed open the manhole cover and climbed out into the humid, sticky air. It was at least reasonably fresh, as city air went, and open. It took a weight off his chest, and he leaned back his head, tilting his neck back until he could see dim stars overhead through the clouds and city lights. He absently peeled off his gloves, finding them uncomfortable; the dog slobber and dampness of the sewers made them feel sticky on his hands.
Really Thaddeus, you look completely undignified.
He found, to his surprise, he only cared a very little bit. He was warm and sweaty already in this humidity, he had emerged from the depths of the sewers, he was wearing an absolutely ridiculous outfit, and Arin was about to join him.
There was something alright about that.
Hearing the Evenhet emerge from the sewer behind him, but not turning his head from the stars, he spoke.
I think there's another way to go about this.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
Thaddeus wanted nothing more than to continue kissing Alfarinn, to show him his answer over and over and over, to say yes, honestly and completely.
Instead, he pulled away, letting his lips linger softly over the other man's for a short moment, and pulled his hand away from Alfarinn's hair, tracing down that perfect jaw line with his finger tips and running them down his neck before coming to rest just over the Evenhet's heart.
Alfarinn, I want this so much...
He didn't know quite what to say after that. He wished with all of his heart that he could say, in all honestly, that he was ready. He wanted to say yes, everything inside of him was screaming for him to meet Alfarinn's eyes and tell him, but Thaddeus did not want to lie to this wonderful man.
...but I need time.
And time is exactly what you don't have, Thaddeus.
As much as he knew this, was certain of the fact that at any time this man could be taken away from him, he would regret not being honest, not thinking things through, or worse, holding back in some way, much more than he would regret just a little more time spent on becoming ready.
I will be. I just need time.
Instead, he pulled away, letting his lips linger softly over the other man's for a short moment, and pulled his hand away from Alfarinn's hair, tracing down that perfect jaw line with his finger tips and running them down his neck before coming to rest just over the Evenhet's heart.
Alfarinn, I want this so much...
He didn't know quite what to say after that. He wished with all of his heart that he could say, in all honestly, that he was ready. He wanted to say yes, everything inside of him was screaming for him to meet Alfarinn's eyes and tell him, but Thaddeus did not want to lie to this wonderful man.
...but I need time.
And time is exactly what you don't have, Thaddeus.
As much as he knew this, was certain of the fact that at any time this man could be taken away from him, he would regret not being honest, not thinking things through, or worse, holding back in some way, much more than he would regret just a little more time spent on becoming ready.
I will be. I just need time.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
"I know." He smiled faintly. A part of him disappointed and a part of him relieved. The relief coming because Thaddeus was honest with him and felt it ok to be honest. It had not been a mistake to ask, Thaddeus was not ready. Alfarinn knew that he would be eventually and he could be as patient as necessary. The man in front of him was worth the wait.
The decision made, he could move forward again, make them both comfortable, keep him safe. Alfarinn pulled Thaddeus along by one hand around the side of the bed. Pulling the covers back, he climbed inside and stretched out an arm to the Anantya
"Come lets get some sleep. Tomorrow is another night."
((OOC: Permission granted to move Thaddeus))
The decision made, he could move forward again, make them both comfortable, keep him safe. Alfarinn pulled Thaddeus along by one hand around the side of the bed. Pulling the covers back, he climbed inside and stretched out an arm to the Anantya
"Come lets get some sleep. Tomorrow is another night."
((OOC: Permission granted to move Thaddeus))
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
Incredible.
He wanted to stay. The relief was tangible, though tinged with some measure of guilt. He had very much wished he were ready, had wanted so badly to please this man he admired so much, to find the comfort of his arms and the pleasure of his body. That Alfarinn could be so understanding when he himself could hardly make sense of all of this only increased his esteem for the Evenhet.
He allowed himself to be led to the bed, and when Alfarinn held out his arm invitingly he climbed in after him and pulled the covers over them both.
He hoped Alfarinn did not mind when he moved close to him, his back nearly touching the other man's chest, and pulled the offered arm around him, holding the hand in his. It simply seemed the most logical way to sleep, and his normally restless mind must have agreed.
He was, for the first time in a very long while, asleep within minutes.
He wanted to stay. The relief was tangible, though tinged with some measure of guilt. He had very much wished he were ready, had wanted so badly to please this man he admired so much, to find the comfort of his arms and the pleasure of his body. That Alfarinn could be so understanding when he himself could hardly make sense of all of this only increased his esteem for the Evenhet.
He allowed himself to be led to the bed, and when Alfarinn held out his arm invitingly he climbed in after him and pulled the covers over them both.
He hoped Alfarinn did not mind when he moved close to him, his back nearly touching the other man's chest, and pulled the offered arm around him, holding the hand in his. It simply seemed the most logical way to sleep, and his normally restless mind must have agreed.
He was, for the first time in a very long while, asleep within minutes.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
Alfarinn stayed awake and watched the Anantya for a while. He waited until he was certain Thaddeus had fallen asleep before letting his own eyes drift shut. He wasn't the best of protection when it came to being easily roused from slumber, the term "wake the dead"seemed to apply specifically to him but he hoped that by being this close Thaddeus could wake him if there was a need.
The dangers of this night had not escaped his mind, for all that other things held more importance. Alfarinn could not help but feel that this man that he'd grown close to so quickly was in danger. Emma's killer was out there and Thaddeus was one of the only people who could say who he was. They were far from the security of the Manor or the Towers, they were own their own and he hoped that he was enough.
The dangers of this night had not escaped his mind, for all that other things held more importance. Alfarinn could not help but feel that this man that he'd grown close to so quickly was in danger. Emma's killer was out there and Thaddeus was one of the only people who could say who he was. They were far from the security of the Manor or the Towers, they were own their own and he hoped that he was enough.
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
He was on the grounds of the cathedral again, blood flowing around and over his feet in rivers, just as before. He was used to this dream by now and hardly noticed the blood soaking the hem of his pants, instead bracing himself for whatever horrible image his subconscious decided to present him with tonight. As always, he was rooted to the spot in front of the pew, and so when he felt a chill hand on his shoulder he could not turn around, could only stand there helplessly. The figure walked around him, facing him, putting his other hand on Thaddeus's other shoulder, and he suddenly realized that he was looking at Alfarinn.
He certainly wasn't supposed to be here.
"Alfarinn, you shouldn't be here. Someone will see, and if you are seen you will be killed."Â?
Thaddeus knew even as he spoke the words that they were not true. Of course he wouldn't be killed. Why would he tell Alfarinn such a thing?
But then Alfarinn's eyes began to change, going from the light grey to a brighter blue, glowing with impossible light, and Thaddeus realized this was not Alfarinn at all, though the killer wore his face. He felt the hands on his shoulders grow colder and colder, until his shoulders ached with the pain of it, but he could not tear away, could not stop staring into those eyes. Nor could he scream, though he very much wanted to; those eyes made him want to scream endlessly, but it was as if he could not quite tell his throat what to do, just as he no longer had control of his limbs.
"I will not be killed."Â?
At the sound of that voice, not Alfarinn's calm baritone at all, but someone else's entirely, Thaddeus no longer wanted to scream.
He simply wanted to die.
"Alfarinn, you must go at once! Someone will see, someone's here, you have to run!"Â? It was as though Thaddeus were pounding on a locked door; he could not even explain to his dream self that that was not really Alfarinn.
"I will not be killed."Â? With that, the man who was not Alfarinn raised his hands to Thaddeus's neck, encircling him, pulling him closer, and as much as Thaddeus knew that it was not really Alfarinn, still, he could not fight.
"I am in you and of you, Thaddeus."Â?
And the killer wrapped his fingers tightly around Thaddeus's throat, and squeezed. To his surprise, his neck did not break, nor did he feel his windpipe close off. Instead his head tilted back and back and back, his eyes flickered closed, and suddenly he was floating.
He opened his eyes and saw the grimy ceiling of the sewer, felt the tepid water underneath him, felt his heart racing in panic...
And opened his eyes, gasping for breath and shaking, but awake now, and slowly becoming convinced of his usual mantra.
It was only a dream. You're awake now. It was only a dream.
He certainly wasn't supposed to be here.
"Alfarinn, you shouldn't be here. Someone will see, and if you are seen you will be killed."Â?
Thaddeus knew even as he spoke the words that they were not true. Of course he wouldn't be killed. Why would he tell Alfarinn such a thing?
But then Alfarinn's eyes began to change, going from the light grey to a brighter blue, glowing with impossible light, and Thaddeus realized this was not Alfarinn at all, though the killer wore his face. He felt the hands on his shoulders grow colder and colder, until his shoulders ached with the pain of it, but he could not tear away, could not stop staring into those eyes. Nor could he scream, though he very much wanted to; those eyes made him want to scream endlessly, but it was as if he could not quite tell his throat what to do, just as he no longer had control of his limbs.
"I will not be killed."Â?
At the sound of that voice, not Alfarinn's calm baritone at all, but someone else's entirely, Thaddeus no longer wanted to scream.
He simply wanted to die.
"Alfarinn, you must go at once! Someone will see, someone's here, you have to run!"Â? It was as though Thaddeus were pounding on a locked door; he could not even explain to his dream self that that was not really Alfarinn.
"I will not be killed."Â? With that, the man who was not Alfarinn raised his hands to Thaddeus's neck, encircling him, pulling him closer, and as much as Thaddeus knew that it was not really Alfarinn, still, he could not fight.
"I am in you and of you, Thaddeus."Â?
And the killer wrapped his fingers tightly around Thaddeus's throat, and squeezed. To his surprise, his neck did not break, nor did he feel his windpipe close off. Instead his head tilted back and back and back, his eyes flickered closed, and suddenly he was floating.
He opened his eyes and saw the grimy ceiling of the sewer, felt the tepid water underneath him, felt his heart racing in panic...
And opened his eyes, gasping for breath and shaking, but awake now, and slowly becoming convinced of his usual mantra.
It was only a dream. You're awake now. It was only a dream.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
Something pulled Alfarinn out of his sound sleep. It wasn't night. There was no possible way he'd slept that long. He struggled to pull his eyes open and look around blearily. Where? Not the Tower... The blank walls and lack of furnishings finally came into focus causing Alfarinn to sit up in the bed, instantly fully awake.
Thaddeus...
He looked down and found to his relief that the blonde was laying there next to him. Awake but unharmed.
"Are you alright?"
Thaddeus...
He looked down and found to his relief that the blonde was laying there next to him. Awake but unharmed.
"Are you alright?"
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
A voice, slightly roughened by sleep. Asking him if he was alright.
Alfarinn.
Embarrassed to have disturbed the other man even though he still struggled to slow his racing heart, he turned to face the Evenhet.
I did not mean to wake you. I'm fine; it was only a dream.
Saying it out loud, in Alfarinn's comforting arms, somehow made that fact easier for his tired mind to understand, easier to shake off those last residual effects of the nightmare. While he still felt vaguely foolish for not at least mentioning the fact that he was a poor sleeper, the comfort of the other man's body next to his was much stronger. Thaddeus rested his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes.
I get these a lot. Everything's alright now.
Normally, Thaddeus would not have been the least bit interested in going back to sleep. He would have gotten up, no matter how early in the day his nightmares disturbed him, and he would have written in his journal, then gone about his business. With Alfarinn here, it was so much easier to believe he could fall asleep again and perhaps hope for a few more hours of peace.
Even so, his mind was so trained to the habit of recording his dreams that he began recalling the nightmare in his mind, replaying it, forcing it to lose all fear for him.
'I am in you and of you.'
Thaddeus pondered the odd familarity of that statement, until at last its origins came to him.
O my sons, O too dutiful
Toward Gods not of me,
Was not I enough beautiful?
Was it hard to be free?
For behold, I am with you, am in you and of you; look forth now and see.
A strange and powerful poem, particuarly for its time, by an even stranger man, at least in Thaddeus's opinion. But now that he understood where that haunting statement had come from, he could dismiss it for the random fragment of his mind that it was. He squeezed Alfarinn's hand tightly, glad of his presence.
/ooc The poem is called Hertha, by Algernon Charles Swinburne. The 35th stanza is quoted here.
Alfarinn.
Embarrassed to have disturbed the other man even though he still struggled to slow his racing heart, he turned to face the Evenhet.
I did not mean to wake you. I'm fine; it was only a dream.
Saying it out loud, in Alfarinn's comforting arms, somehow made that fact easier for his tired mind to understand, easier to shake off those last residual effects of the nightmare. While he still felt vaguely foolish for not at least mentioning the fact that he was a poor sleeper, the comfort of the other man's body next to his was much stronger. Thaddeus rested his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes.
I get these a lot. Everything's alright now.
Normally, Thaddeus would not have been the least bit interested in going back to sleep. He would have gotten up, no matter how early in the day his nightmares disturbed him, and he would have written in his journal, then gone about his business. With Alfarinn here, it was so much easier to believe he could fall asleep again and perhaps hope for a few more hours of peace.
Even so, his mind was so trained to the habit of recording his dreams that he began recalling the nightmare in his mind, replaying it, forcing it to lose all fear for him.
'I am in you and of you.'
Thaddeus pondered the odd familarity of that statement, until at last its origins came to him.
O my sons, O too dutiful
Toward Gods not of me,
Was not I enough beautiful?
Was it hard to be free?
For behold, I am with you, am in you and of you; look forth now and see.
A strange and powerful poem, particuarly for its time, by an even stranger man, at least in Thaddeus's opinion. But now that he understood where that haunting statement had come from, he could dismiss it for the random fragment of his mind that it was. He squeezed Alfarinn's hand tightly, glad of his presence.
/ooc The poem is called Hertha, by Algernon Charles Swinburne. The 35th stanza is quoted here.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
Alfarinn pulled Thaddeus closer to him, nuzzling his face into the side of his neck. He kissed him gently once before saying.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
It might not be something Thaddeus wished to speak about. Some dreams make so much sense while you have them only to appear silly in the light of day. If not he'd stay awake and make sure Thaddeus was able to get back to sleep.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
It might not be something Thaddeus wished to speak about. Some dreams make so much sense while you have them only to appear silly in the light of day. If not he'd stay awake and make sure Thaddeus was able to get back to sleep.
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
Thaddeus turned over, wrapping his arms around Alfarinn and resting his head on the man's chest. A part of him -did- want to talk about it, to ask him a nagging question, but the man looked so sleepy...
He was, however, getting used to the idea that telling him everything was fine was somewhat of a waste of everyone's time. Better to ask his question and let both of them go back to sleep.
I'm quite alright. It was only a dream.
Who exactly are you trying to reassure? Just get to the point and let the man rest!
When you saw those eyes, when we sensed the ring...did you feel anything else? You said he was bitter...I just...don't know.
He trailed off, weakly, feeling foolish. Those eyes were deeply disturbing to Thaddeus, and it seemed reasonable enough that they would linger on in his dreams, but he did not know what part of himself had contrived that voice, that twisting in his gut when he looked into those eyes. Even so, dreams were entirely inventions of the mind. Nothing more.
He was, however, getting used to the idea that telling him everything was fine was somewhat of a waste of everyone's time. Better to ask his question and let both of them go back to sleep.
I'm quite alright. It was only a dream.
Who exactly are you trying to reassure? Just get to the point and let the man rest!
When you saw those eyes, when we sensed the ring...did you feel anything else? You said he was bitter...I just...don't know.
He trailed off, weakly, feeling foolish. Those eyes were deeply disturbing to Thaddeus, and it seemed reasonable enough that they would linger on in his dreams, but he did not know what part of himself had contrived that voice, that twisting in his gut when he looked into those eyes. Even so, dreams were entirely inventions of the mind. Nothing more.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
Alfarinn thought about the images for a moment and reached out to get a sense of what Thaddeus was feeling. He couldn't understand it really. It was as if there was something connection that they were missing.
" I don't know. Its too important to dismiss but I can't add anything useful."
He ran a hand through Thaddeus's hair and then rested it on one shoulder. "I agree there is merit to what you sensed. You're better at those feelings than I am. All I have to go on are your feelings afterwards, those are the things I can sense. It bothers you and I don't think it is for no reason. We'll figure it out though. "
" I don't know. Its too important to dismiss but I can't add anything useful."
He ran a hand through Thaddeus's hair and then rested it on one shoulder. "I agree there is merit to what you sensed. You're better at those feelings than I am. All I have to go on are your feelings afterwards, those are the things I can sense. It bothers you and I don't think it is for no reason. We'll figure it out though. "
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
Thaddeus snuggled further into Alfarinn's chest, finding the closeness eased his mind. He was oddly relieved to hear the other man confirming the feeling's significance, and not ignoring what he felt as he himself had attempted to do.
Yes, we'll figure it out together. I think it's important too, thank you for not dismissing that. It was just a dream...but this was clearly on my mind.
Thaddeus found himself yawning, sleep overcoming him now that his question was answered, vague as the answer was. It was enough to put him at ease with the nightmare, to understand his own mind.
Let's go back to sleep now, though...never meant to...wake you...
Thaddeus's eyes slipped closed once more.
Yes, we'll figure it out together. I think it's important too, thank you for not dismissing that. It was just a dream...but this was clearly on my mind.
Thaddeus found himself yawning, sleep overcoming him now that his question was answered, vague as the answer was. It was enough to put him at ease with the nightmare, to understand his own mind.
Let's go back to sleep now, though...never meant to...wake you...
Thaddeus's eyes slipped closed once more.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
Alfarinn held Thaddeus close.. this time he didn't go back to sleep immediately. Instead, he laid awake and wondered what they were missing. He watched Thaddeus as he slept. It was comfort to have him so close. It made the worries he felt seem manageable. He could protect them so long as they were together.
Going over the events in his head produced no new insights and eventually he drifted off to sleep.
Going over the events in his head produced no new insights and eventually he drifted off to sleep.
Thaddeus Grey
18 years ago
Thaddeus awoke gradually and peacefully for the first time in quite a while, surrounded by his soft down comforter, his cool silky sheets.
I'm home.
Thaddeus could not quite recall how or why he had returned to the Manor; returning from the club was a fuzzy memory he struggled to unveil. But he didn't care; he was home now. He sat up reluctantly, pulling away from the cocoon of pillows and the fluffy comforter, and made to go to his shower.
But he could not seem to escape the white curtains that surrounded his bed. Every time he thought he had discovered a way out, more of the fine, gauzy material blocked his way, until he seemed to be wading through it, pushing it aside with his finger tips, feeling it slide through his hands. It was not frightening to Thaddeus; he had forgotten about his quest for a shower and was now focused on the feel of the fabric...
Thaddeus smiled as his sleep deepened into something peaceful and dreamless.
His hands had somehow found Alfarinn's hair.
I'm home.
Thaddeus could not quite recall how or why he had returned to the Manor; returning from the club was a fuzzy memory he struggled to unveil. But he didn't care; he was home now. He sat up reluctantly, pulling away from the cocoon of pillows and the fluffy comforter, and made to go to his shower.
But he could not seem to escape the white curtains that surrounded his bed. Every time he thought he had discovered a way out, more of the fine, gauzy material blocked his way, until he seemed to be wading through it, pushing it aside with his finger tips, feeling it slide through his hands. It was not frightening to Thaddeus; he had forgotten about his quest for a shower and was now focused on the feel of the fabric...
Thaddeus smiled as his sleep deepened into something peaceful and dreamless.
His hands had somehow found Alfarinn's hair.
Alfarinn
18 years ago
((OOC: Both out, so to speak. On to another day and all that ))