"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things..."
Bastian had done little else but think of many things over the past several days, and each day just brought more of the same, with no sort of true resolution. One reason the resolution escaped him was undoubtedly because it required more than just his input.
Work had been the only real saving grace in his life, though to look at him every day one would find it impossible to believe he was even enjoying that. Diane had been her unfailing supportive self, even staying back when he was feeling really irritable, almost if she knew exactly what kind of space he needed. The woman was definitely worth her recent raise in salary...and beyond.
But it was the 'missing Reign' part that he knew he had to do something about...and soon...if he ever wanted to get peace back in his life.
Picking up the phone six times in the past hour and not going through with the call was beginning to make him angry with himself. Finally he decided to just go over to her house and hope she was home. Showering, shaving, dressing in his nicest, though most casual of clothes, he jumped in the Hummer and was on his way. Passing through town he made an impulsive stop at the florist and picked up a dozen each, white and yellow long stemmed roses, then was parking on the street outside her house minutes later.
He probably would have still been sitting in his car, twenty minutes later, but the heat was beginning to get to him. Straightening up, striding to her door with a purpose, and trepidation as well, Bastian knocked...and waited.
And... (private)
How many days had it been? Three, four, five? Reign wasn't sure she was actually trying -not- to keep count, trying not to think about the fact that Bastian was simply not around. It was an odd thing too, she had gotten used to having him around being able to just shout something at him and have him shout back. OK it had been kind of lonely with out him.
Maybe that was what was so distressing she'd fallen into a pattern and he'd broken it. -He'd- broken it, not her; he'd walk out on her... again. It was that little, well huge, deal that she was hanging on to, that upset her more than just about anything else.
Granted she was not always an easy person to get along with. Reign wouldn't deny that not in a million years. But to just leave her like that, in the middle of an argument. And it wasn't even that bad of an argument! Maybe this is what had pissed Vince off so bad.
Gah she didn't want to think about Vince just now. Not at all. That would be as bad as thinking about Bastian. And this thought pattern had been swirling around in her head for some time now. She'd been working on keeping things normal thought; walk the dog, practice, read, worry about hearing back about her dissertation, walk the dog (yeah the dog was getting a lot of exercise) and stalk around the empty house. Today she was trying something new, she was flopped on the couch reading. Sirius lying beside her, poor mutt wasn't sure what to make of Reign in this mood but he was trying.
Bastian
15 years ago
Reign
15 years ago
As per usual, Reign knew there was some one at the door before the knock. Sirius had his uses. The fact that the mutt just sat and wagged his tail meant they knew who ever it was and the knock, she’d know the knock any where.
“Oh fine the prodigal son returns.”
She muttered under her breath.
God damned son of a bitch. Reign was more than a little tempted to tell him to fuck off and go away. She was still mad.
It took a few seconds more than it should have but she finally reached a compromise and just called out, loud enough to be heard on the other side of the door.
“Its open. Come on in.”
At the same time, she pulled herself up from the couch and wandered barefoot into the kitchen. The irony did not go un-noticed.
“Oh fine the prodigal son returns.”
She muttered under her breath.
God damned son of a bitch. Reign was more than a little tempted to tell him to fuck off and go away. She was still mad.
It took a few seconds more than it should have but she finally reached a compromise and just called out, loud enough to be heard on the other side of the door.
“Its open. Come on in.”
At the same time, she pulled herself up from the couch and wandered barefoot into the kitchen. The irony did not go un-noticed.
Bastian
15 years ago
Well, that wasn't a good sign...she couldn't even be bothered coming to answer the door? Not to mention the safety factor. Of course she would counter with...'Sirius is here, and I knew it was you anyway.' He could hear the words coming out of her mouth now.
Bastian took a deep breath. He had played out a couple scenarios in his head on the drive over, and being met with anger was one of them. Apparently the time apart hadn't allowed Reign to cool off, as it had him.
Opening the door, Bastian stepped in tentatively, the roses still in his hand, but now hanging toward the floor. So much for peace offerings.
Seeing no Reign, he assumed she must have gone into the kitchen or bathroom, but instead of going off to see, he remained where he was, and knelt down to scratch Sirius' head. Didn't it figure that now the two of them were getting along, he would be having issues with the dog's mistress.
Bastian took a deep breath. He had played out a couple scenarios in his head on the drive over, and being met with anger was one of them. Apparently the time apart hadn't allowed Reign to cool off, as it had him.
Opening the door, Bastian stepped in tentatively, the roses still in his hand, but now hanging toward the floor. So much for peace offerings.
Seeing no Reign, he assumed she must have gone into the kitchen or bathroom, but instead of going off to see, he remained where he was, and knelt down to scratch Sirius' head. Didn't it figure that now the two of them were getting along, he would be having issues with the dog's mistress.
Reign
15 years ago
Yup she won again if Sirius wasn’t coming back to see her it was defiantly some one they knew and given the lack of greeting well that again confirmed it was Bas. Reign set down the glass of water she’d been fidgeting with and tried to figure out how this was going to go. She had no answer other than not well. Maybe it could be saved?
Ducking out of the kitchen, she noticed the roses and almost smiled. Almost. Ten points for knowing you screwed up any way.
Working very hard to keep her voice neutral to friendly and not launch into a tirade she finally allowed her self a smile, a weak on but a smile.
“I started to wonder if you were coming back.”
She made a broad sweeping gesture to the living room.
“Not going to stand in the hall all day are you?”
Ducking out of the kitchen, she noticed the roses and almost smiled. Almost. Ten points for knowing you screwed up any way.
Working very hard to keep her voice neutral to friendly and not launch into a tirade she finally allowed her self a smile, a weak on but a smile.
“I started to wonder if you were coming back.”
She made a broad sweeping gesture to the living room.
“Not going to stand in the hall all day are you?”
Bastian
15 years ago
Her timid smile wasn't lost on him. He didn't expect she would come flying into his arms, and a part of him thought a heavy object thrown to his head was also possible. He was terribly thankful the latter hadn't occurred, and accepted the smile without comment.
His first thought was she looked tired to him, and his heart ached to think he had any part in that. Of course it could have just been the lighting, and his own projected feelings...he hoped so, rather than think she was suffering even the smallest pain on his account.
"You didn't think I was going to come back? The only reason I left the other night was because you seemed to have turned your back on the discussion, when you started playing pool...I assumed that was it. I still had strong feelings on the matter we'd been discussing but didn't see any reason to continue on, if you were finished talking, and rather than get angrier myself I thought the best course of action was to leave until we both had time to cool down."
He handed the flowers to her, and moved to sit down in one of the chairs.
"I saw these, and thought of you."
There were reasons behind the colors, Bastian wasn't sure Reign knew, but now he didn't really want to go into what they were either. Tensely he sat and waited. There were three ways he saw this conversation going, and right now he doubted it would be either of the two positive choices.
His first thought was she looked tired to him, and his heart ached to think he had any part in that. Of course it could have just been the lighting, and his own projected feelings...he hoped so, rather than think she was suffering even the smallest pain on his account.
"You didn't think I was going to come back? The only reason I left the other night was because you seemed to have turned your back on the discussion, when you started playing pool...I assumed that was it. I still had strong feelings on the matter we'd been discussing but didn't see any reason to continue on, if you were finished talking, and rather than get angrier myself I thought the best course of action was to leave until we both had time to cool down."
He handed the flowers to her, and moved to sit down in one of the chairs.
"I saw these, and thought of you."
There were reasons behind the colors, Bastian wasn't sure Reign knew, but now he didn't really want to go into what they were either. Tensely he sat and waited. There were three ways he saw this conversation going, and right now he doubted it would be either of the two positive choices.
Reign
15 years ago
Must not yell… must not say ‘you KNOW what happens when you assume’. Yes, either of these would be bad. She curled up her toes in a tight bunch trying to squeeze back her anger.
“You have that reputation.”
OK that might have been a bit mean but damned it was accurate. And it was the one thing that she was having the hardest time with. It was also something he couldn’t undo.
OK if she said anything there, anything at all she’d wind up shouting, a lot. He really had no idea how hard she’d worked that night did he? No clue that her ending the conversation was her way and trying to keep things from escalating. How did he not know that?
She accepted the flower though. Well they were pretty and pain in the ass bitch or not she did have a bit of a romantic streak. Rather oddly, she curled up in the corner of the couch, near where he sat, it was almost defensive but not quite, at least it wasn’t offensive.
“I thought you might have forgotten. Its nice to know you thought about me a little.”
Reign knew she was needling him, she knew it. She didn’t want to but she couldn’t seem to stop. God damned it she wanted her apology.
“You have that reputation.”
OK that might have been a bit mean but damned it was accurate. And it was the one thing that she was having the hardest time with. It was also something he couldn’t undo.
OK if she said anything there, anything at all she’d wind up shouting, a lot. He really had no idea how hard she’d worked that night did he? No clue that her ending the conversation was her way and trying to keep things from escalating. How did he not know that?
She accepted the flower though. Well they were pretty and pain in the ass bitch or not she did have a bit of a romantic streak. Rather oddly, she curled up in the corner of the couch, near where he sat, it was almost defensive but not quite, at least it wasn’t offensive.
“I thought you might have forgotten. Its nice to know you thought about me a little.”
Reign knew she was needling him, she knew it. She didn’t want to but she couldn’t seem to stop. God damned it she wanted her apology.
Bastian
15 years ago
Point made, and taken. It was now clear that no matter what Bastian did or said, in Reign's mind he was forever going to be someone who would run out on her. That this situation was completely different would have no bearing at all. He had done it once, and now any time he took his leave without getting clearance from her first, she'd just throw that up in his face.
Well he wasn't going to just sit by and accept that. It wasn't true, no matter what she said, or thought.
"One time a reputation makes? Do you know how sad that makes me Reign? If you truly believe that, I have no business being here at all. If everything I've told you about why I left, combined with everything I've been trying to show you since we got back together makes no difference at all, then...then yes...there's no hope for us at all, and I'm wasting both our time.
If we can't get beyond these things, they'll continue to do exactly this...tear us apart, and pretty soon there won't be anything that will bring us back together again. I don't want that, and I don't think you do either...though its blatantly clear I don't really know you much at all these days, so if that's the case I apologize and stand corrected."
He truly thought he could get through all this and keep his cool. Trying to anticipate all options didn't alwasy work out, but more often than not they did a far cry better than now.
He stood, walked away from the chair, putting distance between them. Sometimes it was close to impossible for him to keep his thoughts on track when she was so close. Stopping across the room, hands in pockets, Bastian shook his head and shrugged.
"Yea, I thought about you...a little. Damnit, about all I've done these past days of waking hours is think about you...how you were back in school, how you were when I found you again, and how you are now. You've changed Reign...but then, in all honesty, I have to, I'll grant you. When I met you, you knocked me for a loop...you were so unlike any woman I'd ever met, and I fell instantly. Over time those feelings grew, and I learned not only how to love, but that I loved you more than my own breath. That then became the problem though...and as the years passed with us apart, I continued to live with that love...I was changing, you must have been changing, but in my mind our love remained the same.
Pretty stupid, yes, I know."
Bastian laughed, a small, slightly quiet laugh, laced with sadness, and even a tinge of bitterness.
"It's all gone now though, isn't it?"
Well he wasn't going to just sit by and accept that. It wasn't true, no matter what she said, or thought.
"One time a reputation makes? Do you know how sad that makes me Reign? If you truly believe that, I have no business being here at all. If everything I've told you about why I left, combined with everything I've been trying to show you since we got back together makes no difference at all, then...then yes...there's no hope for us at all, and I'm wasting both our time.
If we can't get beyond these things, they'll continue to do exactly this...tear us apart, and pretty soon there won't be anything that will bring us back together again. I don't want that, and I don't think you do either...though its blatantly clear I don't really know you much at all these days, so if that's the case I apologize and stand corrected."
He truly thought he could get through all this and keep his cool. Trying to anticipate all options didn't alwasy work out, but more often than not they did a far cry better than now.
He stood, walked away from the chair, putting distance between them. Sometimes it was close to impossible for him to keep his thoughts on track when she was so close. Stopping across the room, hands in pockets, Bastian shook his head and shrugged.
"Yea, I thought about you...a little. Damnit, about all I've done these past days of waking hours is think about you...how you were back in school, how you were when I found you again, and how you are now. You've changed Reign...but then, in all honesty, I have to, I'll grant you. When I met you, you knocked me for a loop...you were so unlike any woman I'd ever met, and I fell instantly. Over time those feelings grew, and I learned not only how to love, but that I loved you more than my own breath. That then became the problem though...and as the years passed with us apart, I continued to live with that love...I was changing, you must have been changing, but in my mind our love remained the same.
Pretty stupid, yes, I know."
Bastian laughed, a small, slightly quiet laugh, laced with sadness, and even a tinge of bitterness.
"It's all gone now though, isn't it?"
Reign
15 years ago
First instinct was to go for the throat. Bastian had shown where he was vulnerable and she could strike hard and fast right there, push the buttons, piss him off get him to walk out again and win. But would it really be winning? It was really –really- hard to think right now. They had so much history together, so very much of it was good too. That’s what was making this so hard and that was the only thing that kept her from exploding at him, for now.
It was a tremendous struggle but she kept her position on the sofa and kept from shouting. Her voice was slightly dead but at least it was even, Reign had no intention of letting on how much he was hurting her.
“I know you tried. Believe it or not I tried, am trying.”
What the fuck! She was a waste of time. Is that what she was getting out of that? It sounded like he was giving up, right here and right now. Even the apology was half hearted, mocking even. Good, good, let’s just get this all out in the open right now, no holding back.
-She’d- changed?! She’d changed?! He was the one who was doing this whole moon phase thing. He was the one who’d taken to walking out in the middle of a fight and not being willing to come back. That was not the Bastian she knew. Reign was of the opinion that he’d changed more than he thought, or more than he was willing to admit to.
Her anger was becoming a very hard knot in her stomach, Hans would be proud she thought. She was focusing. Hell of a time to practice that, when every word he said was surrender, was giving up. He was throwing her to the wolves, no pun intended, even if he didn’t understand that.
“And you’ve known since day one that I handle things my own way. I don’t know when you decided that wasn’t good enough for you, wasn’t acceptable but apparently that’s not good enough now.”
She hadn’t moved from her small ball on the couch, although even that wasn’t a submissive position. She sat straight and proud, completely undefeated, unwilling to break down or give him any satisfaction along those lines.
“Its not gone Lupo, its just different.”
Very different. So different Reign didn’t understand it yet. All she knew is she was trying to salvage something. He was walking out on her, for a third time, but she was trying to save a glimmer of what they were.
It was a tremendous struggle but she kept her position on the sofa and kept from shouting. Her voice was slightly dead but at least it was even, Reign had no intention of letting on how much he was hurting her.
“I know you tried. Believe it or not I tried, am trying.”
What the fuck! She was a waste of time. Is that what she was getting out of that? It sounded like he was giving up, right here and right now. Even the apology was half hearted, mocking even. Good, good, let’s just get this all out in the open right now, no holding back.
-She’d- changed?! She’d changed?! He was the one who was doing this whole moon phase thing. He was the one who’d taken to walking out in the middle of a fight and not being willing to come back. That was not the Bastian she knew. Reign was of the opinion that he’d changed more than he thought, or more than he was willing to admit to.
Her anger was becoming a very hard knot in her stomach, Hans would be proud she thought. She was focusing. Hell of a time to practice that, when every word he said was surrender, was giving up. He was throwing her to the wolves, no pun intended, even if he didn’t understand that.
“And you’ve known since day one that I handle things my own way. I don’t know when you decided that wasn’t good enough for you, wasn’t acceptable but apparently that’s not good enough now.”
She hadn’t moved from her small ball on the couch, although even that wasn’t a submissive position. She sat straight and proud, completely undefeated, unwilling to break down or give him any satisfaction along those lines.
“Its not gone Lupo, its just different.”
Very different. So different Reign didn’t understand it yet. All she knew is she was trying to salvage something. He was walking out on her, for a third time, but she was trying to save a glimmer of what they were.
Bastian
15 years ago
If it weren't for the anger...the bitterness that he could hear in her words, hell he could almost see the emotions radiate from her skin...if it weren't for that, he might consider there was something still there. Something they could hold onto and grow.
"I believe you're trying, whether you believe I am or not. I know this..." And his Italian hands were sweeping the room to indicate all that they now were. "...wasn't created by just one of us, but that's why I'm so taken aback now by your attitude. Your bitterness toward me...no matter how much I disagree with you Reign, I still love you, and care about what happens to you." But nothing in her actions told him anything similar. That is what cut him to the quick, and burned through his heart in a deadly way.
"Yes, you do things your own way, but in the past you were willing to consider my feelings at least. That's gone, and without consideration and compromise in a relationship...it won't survive, its dead. That realization is what I decided wasn't good enough for me...it shouldn't be good enough for you or anyone else either. What's the point if it is?"
He was pacing now. She was so filled with her perspective, that included his past even now, that he knew this conversation was over almost before it had begun. But he wasn't walking out again. There were still issues that hadn't been dealt with...resolved...formally brought to a close.
For the first time since she began calling him that, the word lupo made him uneasy. Before the word had always held the love she felt for him. Tonight the word almost sounded mocking.
"Lupo...funny how that became different...a word used as an endearment, but which is now just a truthful definition of a large part of who I am. At least I give you that you did seem to accept that part of me, even if the rest of the package isn't what you want any longer."
No, he couldn't blame the break up on her prejudices. If anything it was ironically due to the fact that she had no prejudices at all which seemed to start this beginning to their end.
He shook his head again, as he had been a lot lately, whenever some revelation appeared before him. Just as she sat straighter on the couch, saying to him that she was steadfast in her convictions. She believed she was right in all this, and for her that seemed to be what was important. At this point Bastian decided he didn't care.
"Different...yes, gone is different."
Weary from the battle, that for him had been going on all week, Bastian sat down again, this time in the chair farthest from where Reign sat.
"I believe you're trying, whether you believe I am or not. I know this..." And his Italian hands were sweeping the room to indicate all that they now were. "...wasn't created by just one of us, but that's why I'm so taken aback now by your attitude. Your bitterness toward me...no matter how much I disagree with you Reign, I still love you, and care about what happens to you." But nothing in her actions told him anything similar. That is what cut him to the quick, and burned through his heart in a deadly way.
"Yes, you do things your own way, but in the past you were willing to consider my feelings at least. That's gone, and without consideration and compromise in a relationship...it won't survive, its dead. That realization is what I decided wasn't good enough for me...it shouldn't be good enough for you or anyone else either. What's the point if it is?"
He was pacing now. She was so filled with her perspective, that included his past even now, that he knew this conversation was over almost before it had begun. But he wasn't walking out again. There were still issues that hadn't been dealt with...resolved...formally brought to a close.
For the first time since she began calling him that, the word lupo made him uneasy. Before the word had always held the love she felt for him. Tonight the word almost sounded mocking.
"Lupo...funny how that became different...a word used as an endearment, but which is now just a truthful definition of a large part of who I am. At least I give you that you did seem to accept that part of me, even if the rest of the package isn't what you want any longer."
No, he couldn't blame the break up on her prejudices. If anything it was ironically due to the fact that she had no prejudices at all which seemed to start this beginning to their end.
He shook his head again, as he had been a lot lately, whenever some revelation appeared before him. Just as she sat straighter on the couch, saying to him that she was steadfast in her convictions. She believed she was right in all this, and for her that seemed to be what was important. At this point Bastian decided he didn't care.
"Different...yes, gone is different."
Weary from the battle, that for him had been going on all week, Bastian sat down again, this time in the chair farthest from where Reign sat.
Reign
15 years ago
Reign let him pace, let him vent, let him get it all out of his system. It was against every instinct, it really was. She needed to stand up, needed to shout but she held back. Apparently, he needed this release more than she did. OK… she meant to. Really she did mean to hold back and let him shout but suddenly it was just far too much for Reign, completely unfair and one sided. Oddly enough, she set the flowers carefully aside before launching herself to her feet and yelling right back at him.
“I did! I thought that I –was- considering your feelings! But god damned it I’m not going to disregard someone I consider a friend because you’re worried. I said I’d hang back and not seek him out but that wasn’t good enough! And that’s what all this comes down too. You –needed- me to be scared. You –needed- me to be something I’m not and never will be!”
Not one to be afraid of confrontation Reign had advanced on Bastian as she said this. At least she wasn’t pointing her finger at him.
“Son of a bitch. Yes of course I still love you and I’m worried about you but if you’re going to sit here and call me on –my- attitude and call me bitter you’re right we’ve got bigger problems than one werewolf, or even two.”
Different? Gone? OK that… … hurt. A lot. Reign finally admitted some kind of defeat and flopped back down on the sofa, still careful not to squash the flowers. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to give up?
She sat there, silent for some time. One knee drawn up to her chest, her chin resting on it thoughtfully.
“Its not gone though is it? If it was, we wouldn’t be tearing at each other like this. Maybe its just not enough any more.”
All Reign could do was sit there and feel lost, totally adrift. It wasn’t an alien feeling to her, unfortunately. Apparently, she had a gift for severing ties. Wasn’t that ironic, the woman who drew a majority of her strength from her family could cut herself off like no one’s business. If he wanted out, she could give him a gracious exit. It was the only thing she could do any more and if that wasn’t the most depressing thought in the world she didn’t know what was.
“I did! I thought that I –was- considering your feelings! But god damned it I’m not going to disregard someone I consider a friend because you’re worried. I said I’d hang back and not seek him out but that wasn’t good enough! And that’s what all this comes down too. You –needed- me to be scared. You –needed- me to be something I’m not and never will be!”
Not one to be afraid of confrontation Reign had advanced on Bastian as she said this. At least she wasn’t pointing her finger at him.
“Son of a bitch. Yes of course I still love you and I’m worried about you but if you’re going to sit here and call me on –my- attitude and call me bitter you’re right we’ve got bigger problems than one werewolf, or even two.”
Different? Gone? OK that… … hurt. A lot. Reign finally admitted some kind of defeat and flopped back down on the sofa, still careful not to squash the flowers. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to give up?
She sat there, silent for some time. One knee drawn up to her chest, her chin resting on it thoughtfully.
“Its not gone though is it? If it was, we wouldn’t be tearing at each other like this. Maybe its just not enough any more.”
All Reign could do was sit there and feel lost, totally adrift. It wasn’t an alien feeling to her, unfortunately. Apparently, she had a gift for severing ties. Wasn’t that ironic, the woman who drew a majority of her strength from her family could cut herself off like no one’s business. If he wanted out, she could give him a gracious exit. It was the only thing she could do any more and if that wasn’t the most depressing thought in the world she didn’t know what was.
Bastian
15 years ago
He wasn't yelling, he had barely raised his voice the whole time he'd been there, yet it seemed Reign had need to. Even though he had developed a sharp pain in the back of his neck, Bastian let her get it all out. It wouldn't do any good anyway to try and stop her. But when she said she would 'hang back', he snapped. Had that been what she had truly said that night, the problems might have dissipated. Though now he knew the would have eventually come back.
"But you didn't say you'd 'hang back', in fact what you said was 'why the fuck should you stay away from some one you like?' How does that translate into you'd 'hang back'?
I never needed you to be scared, merde! The last thing I wanted was for you to be scared. If that wasn't something that almost drove me to madness me I wouldn't have stayed away as long as I did."
Now his voice was raised, and on its way to yelling. He just couldn't believe how she could twist things around so.
"But now...now I've come to the conclusion that yes...yes I think we both 'wanted' each other to be what we aren't. I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be...a man that would just sit around and not give a damn if he saw the woman he loved possibly in danger. That I couldn't ignore the facts as I know them...werewolves can be dangerous...men can have ulterior motives, and the combination can be deadly.
But even beyond those immediate issues, this goes deeper. We don't really have the same intrinsic goals in life, do we? I want family Reign, something you've had all your life and take for granted...something I've never had and been searching for. I know I can have it now, but you still have other things on your agenda...travel, touring, school...none of which are bad, or wrong, or anything...except not what I want."
There...that had been the major revelation he'd had this past week. He had known it was something he wanted in the future, but that was back in college, and that future was now. Reign...Reign hadn't reached that point in her life and Bastian doubted she ever might.
He looked up at her, after looking at his feet while he spilled his thoughts. If he had been looking at her then he probably wouldn't have been able to get everything out the way he needed to. Looking at her now nearly tore his heart out. A person couldn't love another person for so many years and just stop. Yes, he still loved her, and as far as he knew he would for the rest of his life, but he wasn't in love with her any longer. More than that, love alone would not keep them together.
"It isn't enough any more. I guess I've known that, but a part of me refused to believe it."
His eyes began watering, as he watched her now. She looked so incredibly young, and fragile. But they both knew she was neither.
He moved to the couch, and turned toward her. He wanted more than anything to pull her into his arms, and hug her, but unsure if she would pull away, he didn't.
"I'm sorry."
It was inadequate, but it was all he had at that moment in time.
"But you didn't say you'd 'hang back', in fact what you said was 'why the fuck should you stay away from some one you like?' How does that translate into you'd 'hang back'?
I never needed you to be scared, merde! The last thing I wanted was for you to be scared. If that wasn't something that almost drove me to madness me I wouldn't have stayed away as long as I did."
Now his voice was raised, and on its way to yelling. He just couldn't believe how she could twist things around so.
"But now...now I've come to the conclusion that yes...yes I think we both 'wanted' each other to be what we aren't. I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be...a man that would just sit around and not give a damn if he saw the woman he loved possibly in danger. That I couldn't ignore the facts as I know them...werewolves can be dangerous...men can have ulterior motives, and the combination can be deadly.
But even beyond those immediate issues, this goes deeper. We don't really have the same intrinsic goals in life, do we? I want family Reign, something you've had all your life and take for granted...something I've never had and been searching for. I know I can have it now, but you still have other things on your agenda...travel, touring, school...none of which are bad, or wrong, or anything...except not what I want."
There...that had been the major revelation he'd had this past week. He had known it was something he wanted in the future, but that was back in college, and that future was now. Reign...Reign hadn't reached that point in her life and Bastian doubted she ever might.
He looked up at her, after looking at his feet while he spilled his thoughts. If he had been looking at her then he probably wouldn't have been able to get everything out the way he needed to. Looking at her now nearly tore his heart out. A person couldn't love another person for so many years and just stop. Yes, he still loved her, and as far as he knew he would for the rest of his life, but he wasn't in love with her any longer. More than that, love alone would not keep them together.
"It isn't enough any more. I guess I've known that, but a part of me refused to believe it."
His eyes began watering, as he watched her now. She looked so incredibly young, and fragile. But they both knew she was neither.
He moved to the couch, and turned toward her. He wanted more than anything to pull her into his arms, and hug her, but unsure if she would pull away, he didn't.
"I'm sorry."
It was inadequate, but it was all he had at that moment in time.
Reign
15 years ago
“I’ve always had a way with words.”
Reign snipped, almost glibly. She wasn’t really interested in rehashing the fight that had lead to this one. She didn’t even really mind he was borderline yelling. Let him yell, it didn’t bother her, much. She told herself that any way.
“I know that. God you think I don’t know that people aren’t always what they seem and that they can be dangerous human or werewolf? And I didn’t want you not to care…”
‘I wanted you to listen I wanted you to respect my opinion and trust my judgment on one person.’ Reign thought, but she didn’t say. What would it gain right here, right now? Nothing, that’s what. And they didn’t need to toss any more barbs at each other. They’d done enough of that for at least a year.
She looked up sharply and glared at Bastian.
“Never. I’ve not taken them for granted a day in my life. We’ve had some issues but they were my problems and that –never- made them less to me.”
Perhaps it made them more. That might have been why she’d run, she didn’t feel worthy of them. But she was working on fixing that.
“But you’re right. We’re not on the same page, not as far as that goes. I thought maybe I was ready but every time I think about it I… … I don’t know but it doesn’t feel right to me. Not now… yet… it’s not time.”
Maybe never and Reign was OK with that but she couldn’t keep that from him. If that’s what would make him happy, then he needed to find that.
Ah, there he was taking the out she’d offered him. Cliché or not it was a knife to the heart, or maybe it wasn’t maybe it was just a numb shock. Reign didn’t want to think about it, so she didn’t.
Watching Bastian, she remained determinedly dry-eyed, not because she was hard but because she felt, she had to. She had to keep some pride.
She smiled again, wanly.
“You’ll crush my flowers.”
Swallowing hard Reign admitted to herself she was again a failure and he was right love or not it was over.
“I am too. I’m sorry this isn’t what I meant to happen not ever actually.”
Reign snipped, almost glibly. She wasn’t really interested in rehashing the fight that had lead to this one. She didn’t even really mind he was borderline yelling. Let him yell, it didn’t bother her, much. She told herself that any way.
“I know that. God you think I don’t know that people aren’t always what they seem and that they can be dangerous human or werewolf? And I didn’t want you not to care…”
‘I wanted you to listen I wanted you to respect my opinion and trust my judgment on one person.’ Reign thought, but she didn’t say. What would it gain right here, right now? Nothing, that’s what. And they didn’t need to toss any more barbs at each other. They’d done enough of that for at least a year.
She looked up sharply and glared at Bastian.
“Never. I’ve not taken them for granted a day in my life. We’ve had some issues but they were my problems and that –never- made them less to me.”
Perhaps it made them more. That might have been why she’d run, she didn’t feel worthy of them. But she was working on fixing that.
“But you’re right. We’re not on the same page, not as far as that goes. I thought maybe I was ready but every time I think about it I… … I don’t know but it doesn’t feel right to me. Not now… yet… it’s not time.”
Maybe never and Reign was OK with that but she couldn’t keep that from him. If that’s what would make him happy, then he needed to find that.
Ah, there he was taking the out she’d offered him. Cliché or not it was a knife to the heart, or maybe it wasn’t maybe it was just a numb shock. Reign didn’t want to think about it, so she didn’t.
Watching Bastian, she remained determinedly dry-eyed, not because she was hard but because she felt, she had to. She had to keep some pride.
She smiled again, wanly.
“You’ll crush my flowers.”
Swallowing hard Reign admitted to herself she was again a failure and he was right love or not it was over.
“I am too. I’m sorry this isn’t what I meant to happen not ever actually.”
Bastian
15 years ago
He hadn't wanted to discuss the argument either, and was slightly upset with himself that he would snap over something trivial...words... The least he could do was to let that subject close.
One thing that came to mind when he spoke of family...until he had almost demanded she see them, Reign had been doing exactly what he had done...she wanted to protect her family from the craziness in her life, so she had left them after she split with Vince. It was yet another revelation, but one he wasn't about to expound on. Things were now good for her and her folks, what was done had been resolved. If the time ever came where she would see the similarities, she would be the one to discover them. There was enough pain in the room right now...he didn't need to generate more.
Because she seemed to equate his leaving the conversation the other night paralleling his leaving her in college, Bastian now considered no matter how this ended tonight, she would again fault him for leaving.
He had moved the flowers to the table before he'd sat down, but couldn't help but react to her tired smile with one of his own. He would indeed love this woman, forever and a day, and odd as it was, her dry eyes only made his weep more.
He did pull her into his arms then, rejection be damned.
"I would never had asked for this to happen myself. I love you now, and I can't imagine ever not loving you...I don't want you out of my life, but that will be your choice this time. I will understand whatever you decide to do, because I'll know it is what you will need. But I will always be there for you Reign."
He was about to add 'in whatever capacity'...but knew that would be a lie. He did want to say he'd be her friend always, yet that seemed to be a slap in the face after all they had faced together. It also sounded trite, and a little condescending, but what else would he be? So that subject he remained quiet on. It was the future, and he was concerned with the present now. Those types of things he imagined would work themselves out with time.
"I don't want to have you out of my life again, ever."
But would she still want to see him after tonight?
One thing that came to mind when he spoke of family...until he had almost demanded she see them, Reign had been doing exactly what he had done...she wanted to protect her family from the craziness in her life, so she had left them after she split with Vince. It was yet another revelation, but one he wasn't about to expound on. Things were now good for her and her folks, what was done had been resolved. If the time ever came where she would see the similarities, she would be the one to discover them. There was enough pain in the room right now...he didn't need to generate more.
Because she seemed to equate his leaving the conversation the other night paralleling his leaving her in college, Bastian now considered no matter how this ended tonight, she would again fault him for leaving.
He had moved the flowers to the table before he'd sat down, but couldn't help but react to her tired smile with one of his own. He would indeed love this woman, forever and a day, and odd as it was, her dry eyes only made his weep more.
He did pull her into his arms then, rejection be damned.
"I would never had asked for this to happen myself. I love you now, and I can't imagine ever not loving you...I don't want you out of my life, but that will be your choice this time. I will understand whatever you decide to do, because I'll know it is what you will need. But I will always be there for you Reign."
He was about to add 'in whatever capacity'...but knew that would be a lie. He did want to say he'd be her friend always, yet that seemed to be a slap in the face after all they had faced together. It also sounded trite, and a little condescending, but what else would he be? So that subject he remained quiet on. It was the future, and he was concerned with the present now. Those types of things he imagined would work themselves out with time.
"I don't want to have you out of my life again, ever."
But would she still want to see him after tonight?
Reign
15 years ago
Reign let him hold her, it was probably the last time she ever would. She knew that and perhaps that’s why she didn’t fight him. It was very hard, but she was trying, trying not to let herself get swept away by memories. If they could live on memories, in them, they’d be fine. They wouldn’t have reached this point.
“You’ll be there, and I know it. But you also know we can’t keep this up. You’ll never be happy if we try and I want you to be happy.”
Nope, Reign didn’t mention her own happiness, and she’d argue with him if he said anything. She wasn’t consciously doing it, but she was giving up on any happiness of her own. She’d tried twice and tried hard, in her own way, and had now officially screwed both of the men up. It would have been ok to screw herself up twice over but she didn’t like the guilt associated with fucking up two perfectly good guys.
“It’ll take time, time apart to make the adjustment we both know that but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be part of each other’s lives.”
It would take weeks, possibly months before she was going to be able to look at him with out feeling pain or anger. Yeah, a great deal of time to let things settle, at least for her but she really didn’t want to give up entirely. Just different, like she said.
“You’ll be there, and I know it. But you also know we can’t keep this up. You’ll never be happy if we try and I want you to be happy.”
Nope, Reign didn’t mention her own happiness, and she’d argue with him if he said anything. She wasn’t consciously doing it, but she was giving up on any happiness of her own. She’d tried twice and tried hard, in her own way, and had now officially screwed both of the men up. It would have been ok to screw herself up twice over but she didn’t like the guilt associated with fucking up two perfectly good guys.
“It’ll take time, time apart to make the adjustment we both know that but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be part of each other’s lives.”
It would take weeks, possibly months before she was going to be able to look at him with out feeling pain or anger. Yeah, a great deal of time to let things settle, at least for her but she really didn’t want to give up entirely. Just different, like she said.
Bastian
15 years ago
"I've only ever wanted you happy as well, Cara...from the day I met you...sincerely."
He nodded his head, slightly rubbing his cheek against her hair. Her thoughts were his...they couldn't continue as they were, or they would destroy each other completely. It was bad enough they had to suffer at all, but that, he supposed, was part of life.
It helped him to know she blamed him still...after what had happened with Vince. Bastian had to fault the other Italian man, knowing full well he had to have taken advantage of Reign's emotional state when he moved in. Had Reign not just come off their relationship she would have been thinking more clearly and known Vince was a bad choice for husband material. Even still, she had blamed herself, and he was glad she wouldn't feel that way between the two of them. As much as it hurt to know she blamed him, he could deal with it, rather than risk her taking on that additional pain.
"No...that doesn't mean we can't still be a part of each others lives...I'm thankful you agree."
As strange as it sounded, Bastian again felt like a lucky man. Of the three scenarios he'd thought of, this one was the middle road, and the one he honestly knew was the best for both of them. While there had been a chance they might have worked things out and stayed together, deep inside he just didn't believe it would have lasted to the 'front porch and rocking chair days' they had both once dreamed of. The worst case scenario would have been for there to have been no resolution yet a break up noen the less, and that was the one situation he never wanted to face with her. So yes, in the sense that what they both agreed on was the best route for them both...he was lucky.
"We have time...that's another thing in our favor. But no matter what happens...if you need me...if something happens and you need my help...please, PLEASE call me."
He only passingly thought that as strong and prideful as she was, and stubborn, he would be more than surprised to hear from her for anything. He still made the offer with genuine concern, and meant every word.
One day he hoped she would find someone she could truly be happy with...someone she could share the life she wanted with...someone who would make her so happy she might never feel this kind of pain again.
They sat that way for an undetermined amount of time...it felt both like just seconds, and also like an hour...Bastian had truly lost all sense of time. Sadly, it occurred to him there was nothing left to say, aside from any arrangements they had to make about getting the things she'd left at his house, delivered back to hers.
Rubbing her back, Bastian released Reign, and sat back slighty, not far but enough to see her face. So much love was held in his heart for this wonderful woman, that for a few seconds he looked at her as he had in the past, his raw emotions completely uncovered, and open. And then they were shuttered again, and he was protecting them both from those feelings that would serve no purpose now.
"I'll have your things delivered tomorrow...don't worry about anything I might have left." Since they had been spending most of their time out at his place, Bastian didn't think he had more than a toothbrush, and maybe a change of close still there, but nothing that he wanted her to worry about.
Pulling his arm from around her, Bastian rubbed both hands on his face then stood up.
"This is so foreign...so...awkward...difficult...painful..." He could have gone on longer, but that would have done nothing for the situation, except prolong it.
He nodded his head, slightly rubbing his cheek against her hair. Her thoughts were his...they couldn't continue as they were, or they would destroy each other completely. It was bad enough they had to suffer at all, but that, he supposed, was part of life.
It helped him to know she blamed him still...after what had happened with Vince. Bastian had to fault the other Italian man, knowing full well he had to have taken advantage of Reign's emotional state when he moved in. Had Reign not just come off their relationship she would have been thinking more clearly and known Vince was a bad choice for husband material. Even still, she had blamed herself, and he was glad she wouldn't feel that way between the two of them. As much as it hurt to know she blamed him, he could deal with it, rather than risk her taking on that additional pain.
"No...that doesn't mean we can't still be a part of each others lives...I'm thankful you agree."
As strange as it sounded, Bastian again felt like a lucky man. Of the three scenarios he'd thought of, this one was the middle road, and the one he honestly knew was the best for both of them. While there had been a chance they might have worked things out and stayed together, deep inside he just didn't believe it would have lasted to the 'front porch and rocking chair days' they had both once dreamed of. The worst case scenario would have been for there to have been no resolution yet a break up noen the less, and that was the one situation he never wanted to face with her. So yes, in the sense that what they both agreed on was the best route for them both...he was lucky.
"We have time...that's another thing in our favor. But no matter what happens...if you need me...if something happens and you need my help...please, PLEASE call me."
He only passingly thought that as strong and prideful as she was, and stubborn, he would be more than surprised to hear from her for anything. He still made the offer with genuine concern, and meant every word.
One day he hoped she would find someone she could truly be happy with...someone she could share the life she wanted with...someone who would make her so happy she might never feel this kind of pain again.
They sat that way for an undetermined amount of time...it felt both like just seconds, and also like an hour...Bastian had truly lost all sense of time. Sadly, it occurred to him there was nothing left to say, aside from any arrangements they had to make about getting the things she'd left at his house, delivered back to hers.
Rubbing her back, Bastian released Reign, and sat back slighty, not far but enough to see her face. So much love was held in his heart for this wonderful woman, that for a few seconds he looked at her as he had in the past, his raw emotions completely uncovered, and open. And then they were shuttered again, and he was protecting them both from those feelings that would serve no purpose now.
"I'll have your things delivered tomorrow...don't worry about anything I might have left." Since they had been spending most of their time out at his place, Bastian didn't think he had more than a toothbrush, and maybe a change of close still there, but nothing that he wanted her to worry about.
Pulling his arm from around her, Bastian rubbed both hands on his face then stood up.
"This is so foreign...so...awkward...difficult...painful..." He could have gone on longer, but that would have done nothing for the situation, except prolong it.
Reign
15 years ago
She refrained from saying ‘ain’t gonna happen.’ Or anything along those lines; it I would sound like self pity, it –would- be self pity but it would also be weakness and right now she needed to at least seem strong, give an appearance of confidence. Sorrow was fine but anything that left her appearing less than capable was unacceptable. She could indulge in those emotions after he left and they both knew he wouldn’t be staying much longer.
She also found that she doubted how much he’d want to see of her once he left tonight. It was probably better for his future to let the past be in the past. It would certainly be easier to find a woman to fall in love with and who wanted a family with out an ex type hanging around. Great she was again an ex brilliant. Fuck.
Affectionately, but as she would one of her brothers, she patted his knee and sat up when he released her.
“I’ll keep you posted if I get stuck.”
They both knew she probably wouldn’t. Maybe she would, it wouldn’t be impossible, just unlikely.
They’d been spending more time at his place than hers and Reign had a fair amount of things over there, not only hers but the dog’s too. It was a generous offer, kind. Two things she’d never been able to hold against him. Of course, it was easy to be generous when you’d won. And from Reign’s point of view, he’d come out on top here. He was getting a chance to find what he wanted and she was getting… … let’s see… … oh yes, jack shit. Just more emotional baggage and a whole lot of miserable. She sucked it up though and added it to the list of things she could wallow in alone.
She smiled at him as he looked down at her. It was almost her cocky mocking ‘I am so gonna kick your ass’ grin, but with a great deal of irony.
“Its like a band-aid Lupo, pull it off fast. It’ll sting like a son of a bitch but it’ll fade.”
And she thought for him it would fade pretty fast. He had his resolution, hell he had her permission and blessing to go find some one else. It was emotional Neosporin to pick up the slack where the band-aid pulling left off.
It was also an invitation to leave. There wasn’t anything else to say. She’d done this before, it didn’t get any easier or any better. For both their sake’s she didn’t need him dragging this out.
She also found that she doubted how much he’d want to see of her once he left tonight. It was probably better for his future to let the past be in the past. It would certainly be easier to find a woman to fall in love with and who wanted a family with out an ex type hanging around. Great she was again an ex brilliant. Fuck.
Affectionately, but as she would one of her brothers, she patted his knee and sat up when he released her.
“I’ll keep you posted if I get stuck.”
They both knew she probably wouldn’t. Maybe she would, it wouldn’t be impossible, just unlikely.
They’d been spending more time at his place than hers and Reign had a fair amount of things over there, not only hers but the dog’s too. It was a generous offer, kind. Two things she’d never been able to hold against him. Of course, it was easy to be generous when you’d won. And from Reign’s point of view, he’d come out on top here. He was getting a chance to find what he wanted and she was getting… … let’s see… … oh yes, jack shit. Just more emotional baggage and a whole lot of miserable. She sucked it up though and added it to the list of things she could wallow in alone.
She smiled at him as he looked down at her. It was almost her cocky mocking ‘I am so gonna kick your ass’ grin, but with a great deal of irony.
“Its like a band-aid Lupo, pull it off fast. It’ll sting like a son of a bitch but it’ll fade.”
And she thought for him it would fade pretty fast. He had his resolution, hell he had her permission and blessing to go find some one else. It was emotional Neosporin to pick up the slack where the band-aid pulling left off.
It was also an invitation to leave. There wasn’t anything else to say. She’d done this before, it didn’t get any easier or any better. For both their sake’s she didn’t need him dragging this out.
Bastian
15 years ago
Bending over, Bastian picked up the flowers, smelled them, held them off to the side as if framing one half of her face. White and yellow...several meanings behind those colors, and several of which could have applied today, but fitting that among its meanings yellow represented friendship, and platonic love. White, well today white meant new beginnings, as well as goodbye, and shared memories of the past.
Afraid of being caught in his memories, Bastian again set the flowers down and walked to the door. Not a man to get overly emotional, except when it came to Reign, at the moment he was afraid he might easily become consumed in sadness and fall apart like a little girl. At least it seemed as if it could be an easy thing to do. Though it was almost the last thing he wanted to do, second to leaving.
"Take care, Cara...be happy...find what it is you seek to make yourself happy...and know I'll be forever sorry that couldn't be me."
Thinking of that band aid, Bastian then walked out the door, directly to his Hummer, got in, drove off, and made it all the way home before the tears turned to deep, choking sobs and he could no longer see.
(Bastian out)
Afraid of being caught in his memories, Bastian again set the flowers down and walked to the door. Not a man to get overly emotional, except when it came to Reign, at the moment he was afraid he might easily become consumed in sadness and fall apart like a little girl. At least it seemed as if it could be an easy thing to do. Though it was almost the last thing he wanted to do, second to leaving.
"Take care, Cara...be happy...find what it is you seek to make yourself happy...and know I'll be forever sorry that couldn't be me."
Thinking of that band aid, Bastian then walked out the door, directly to his Hummer, got in, drove off, and made it all the way home before the tears turned to deep, choking sobs and he could no longer see.
(Bastian out)
Reign
15 years ago
Reign watched him leave and damned, it hurt. It hurt a hell of a lot. She almost –almost- called him back, lied to him told him they could make it work. They couldn't though, she knew that, they’d get another year maybe two then they’d be right back here each wanting something else from the other. So why did it still feel like this?
Sighing she stood up padded to the kitchen and put the flowers in water. They really were beautiful. No, she wasn’t going to cry. Reign put the vase on the coffee table in the living room and then went to lock the door. He was long gone but she answered Bastian any way.
“You’re wrong you know. You did make me happy, like no one else ever could. The fit just wasn’t right. Really this is the best thing all around, isn’t it?”
Wasn’t it? It was. It had to be. It was done. It was too late now to change her mind or take it back.
Leaning heavily against the front door, Reign slid down it until she wound up sitting on the ground. No, she was not going to cry. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her forehead on them. No, she was not going to cry. Eventually Sirius left his favorite haunt under the dinning room table and came to lie by her. With out looking up Reign started to pet him. The only family she had left here in Nachton was a dog given to her by her ex-husband. How was that for ironic?
No, she was not going to cry. She was just going to sit here, with her dog, until she felt like moving again. That could be quite a while and she was OK with that.
((OOC… Reign out))
Sighing she stood up padded to the kitchen and put the flowers in water. They really were beautiful. No, she wasn’t going to cry. Reign put the vase on the coffee table in the living room and then went to lock the door. He was long gone but she answered Bastian any way.
“You’re wrong you know. You did make me happy, like no one else ever could. The fit just wasn’t right. Really this is the best thing all around, isn’t it?”
Wasn’t it? It was. It had to be. It was done. It was too late now to change her mind or take it back.
Leaning heavily against the front door, Reign slid down it until she wound up sitting on the ground. No, she was not going to cry. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her forehead on them. No, she was not going to cry. Eventually Sirius left his favorite haunt under the dinning room table and came to lie by her. With out looking up Reign started to pet him. The only family she had left here in Nachton was a dog given to her by her ex-husband. How was that for ironic?
No, she was not going to cry. She was just going to sit here, with her dog, until she felt like moving again. That could be quite a while and she was OK with that.
((OOC… Reign out))