Celeste's Journal

---

A series of hand tooled, black Italian leather bound journals house the life and thoughts of Celeste De'Espionne for the last two decades. Written on the ivory parchment pages the earliest books are in black ink, but the more recent ones (since her change) are written in a dark crimson ink. Hidden inside in a delicate, feminine script are her innermost thoughts and dreams. These journals are kept secreted away in a safe at her family home in New Orleans, except when she travels she carries her current one for use.

---

Nachton, Round Two. Or so it would seem. At least this time I know a hurricane won't be appearing to force me home before I am able to confront my dearest Cousin. I would like to think she is wracked with guilt for her actions but I know the blonde darling all too well, so I expect little.

Heolfor Manor is everything I would have imagined it to be, magestic and grand in a way that is only fitting for an Anantya stronghold. And there is a magnifique Cathedral here, where I sit and write now, that fills the soul with both peace and awe. It reminds me of St Louis, not in appearance but in the feeling. I can see many nights of blissful quiet spent here.

That is of course if Amberelle will accept Gustav's bargain. Not that she will have much choice, but we shall see if the concepts of duty and honor still mean anything to the selfish whore.. or I will have to beat them back into her. I really hope I do get to. Hell I will probably just beat her and then see if she remembers.

I like that plan.

---

I had the dream again. Well, it started the same but.. Merde why do I have to remember those times before? I should be thankful since it keeps my resolve strong but fuck it hurts so much when I see his face. Just remembering how good it felt to lay beside him, that aftershave he wore, those things are burned into my mind I guess. I wonder if they will be so strong in a hundred years?

I close my eyes now and I can still see him there with my hair on his chest. Oh how he used to love to play with it. I think I saw some of the auburn roots showing when I got out of the shower. And my hair is getting longer again. That must be what brought these memories back.

I'll have to find a salon here, or do it myself. I need a distraction. I think it's time I checked out the nightlife here in Nachton.

---

My guilt must be more than I realized. Three nights now, each one since I met Alex at Babylon, it has been the same. I can feel it in my dreams, almost palatable, a sense of seething rage just out of reach. These burning solid black eyes seem to watch me from the shadows, but they're not the dark ones I long for but are... cold, calculating. My pain seems to almost feed them.

It's not like my days were ever filled with pleasant dreams or easy rest but now even I am apalled at the violence and destruction. And it's not just me causing it, but things done to me.. Even now it makes me shudder. I've tried to wake myself but these nighmares have me firmly in an iron grip. Dusk came tonight and I woke, jerking straight up drenched in a sweat, shivering. It took two cigarettes before my hands would stop shaking. I found myself actually wanting to look over my shoulder as I walked down the hallway, I would have sworn that I would see those eyes watching me, judging me if only I turned around.

Tonight I will send off my report to Gustav and an email to both Cavalier and Grandmere'. Then the only thing left to do is face Amberelle and tell her of her reassignment. Well, of ours, really. I still want to smash some regret for her actions into her. Maybe if I focus on that I can get my mind off of these dreams.

C.